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The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.