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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever