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"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
Life is fun! You should get one.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.