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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.