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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
If something on this page offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
be smart, pretend to be stupid!
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car