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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.