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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.