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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.