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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
I just awesomed all over the place.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.