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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
i dont have drain bramage.