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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
I will not let people drive me crazy because I know it`s in walking distance.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.