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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"