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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.