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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Carfax but for people
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.