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Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Please don`t hastag out loud...
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
drinking while working out...it`s called Bacardio
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.