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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.