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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.