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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.