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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Roses are red vilouts are blue your moms beautiful what happened to you!
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.