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No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude