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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.