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I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?