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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Gym Update: Not there.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*