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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?