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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".