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"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball