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I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.