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My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.