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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
If you play any Taylor Swift song backwards you`ll hear messages from the devil, however even worse........... if you play it forwards, you`ll hear Taylor Swift
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?