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Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.