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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!