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Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.