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Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.