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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?