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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.