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I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!