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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Sex, do it for the kids.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."