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If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Is food porn star a thing yet??
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2