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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.