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Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.