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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.