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I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
In space they just call it "Jam"
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!