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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.