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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.
I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.