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real eyes realize real lies
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be