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You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.