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My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
love me or leave me,,HEY!!! where is everybody going?
That moment when being uncool, is cool
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......