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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...