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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.