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I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.