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Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
This is a lousy dating site.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.