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Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.