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Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.