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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.