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A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
insert coin to view my status
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?