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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Bipolar smile :(: ...... Gets um everytime !
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.