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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn`t hear you the first 100 times.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.