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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually