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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.