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The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.