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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.