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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.