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I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
Good for you, people that do things.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm