Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I drink to make other people interesting
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.