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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.