Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”