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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.