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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.