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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.