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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.