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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone