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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.