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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".