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I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!