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Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?