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Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.