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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.