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I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.