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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.