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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.