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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.